Here’s a bit about what I have been through. This isn’t everything I’ve encountered although it will give you a good idea of what type of situations I’ve pulled through.
There comes a time in every individual’s life where they sit down with themselves, really take a long look in the mirror and realize more about who they are. I have done this a few times lately and I realized there is no one I trust deeply and comfortably enough to explain my thoughts and emotions to. I don’t try to make a habit of suppressing my emotions or my thoughts. See, what the matter is, is that I don’t feel like anyone I tell my feelings to really “get” me. Sure, people like to say they understand or will give you some basic advice but, is anyone really, truly listening?
My name is Monica and I still struggle with finding who I am every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t try and find some aspect of life to improve in. The more I dive into trying to better understand myself the more I realize I am not alone in this. There are people everywhere in the world feeling alone when they really aren’t. The biggest culprit: depression. I have struggled with depression for many years now and let me tell you, it sure isn’t fun! BUT, let me say this. I was one of the very lucky one’s that was able to turn my loneliness and all that aching pain into something beautiful. Me. I am the person I am today because of the things I’ve gone through.
I was lucky to have a mother who pushed me to see everything in a positive light. She was consistent with her words and her actions proved she was always there for me, even during the times we didn’t see eye to eye, (which was quite often to be completely honest). The rest of my family was also supportive but, if you, the person reading this right now knows anything about depression first hand, you probably know the feeling of never quite feeling 100% understood. The people around us can try and try all they want, but there is always that dark, empty space pressed deep into the corner of our mind that remains a permanent empty feeling.
My depression has been a complete roller coaster adventure and even though it wasn’t an adventure I was wanting to go on or a roller coaster I couldn’t get off of, I learned from it. Not only did I learn and grow but I also became a much stronger person for it. To get the ugly details out of the way here, I wasn’t a heavy cutter but I still would attempt it. I would find myself contemplating suicide at times where I just wanted to give up. Did I ever actually attempt it? Well. to be honest with you, yes. I couldn’t handle listening to the dumb man who was screaming at my mother behind closed doors while me and my younger sister were feeling useless and in tears on the outside. When I tried standing up for her she shut me down, not wanting me to make it worse I assume but making me feel even more useless to her. I couldn’t help her and I had a moment where something in me just snapped. I stood in the kitchen holding a knife near my wrist, hesitating and crying profusely. Little did I know I had a pair of wandering eyes on me who then screamed “No!”. My sister. In that moment I had a short realization of how selfish that would have been of me. I thought I was miserable yet here I was not only going through this pain with her but making it worse by being weak instead of the stronger older sister. She ran up to me and swatted my hand that was holding the knife and we hugged and cried some more together. I regretted that moment instantly. My mom was never abused physically, although the anger issues her dude had and the way he raised his voice and hit objects or walls were absolutely traumatizing nonetheless. (Mom, if you read this please don’t be upset with me for putting this stuff out there.)
Since then, being grown now and all, I have experienced what she had experienced first hand. The man I endured living with who treated me in the same manner had broke me in so many ways I nearly lost myself and my mind near the end. I was going crazy, being lied to, supporting him in all aspects because he never held a job while he was with me and claimed he loved me to the point where he seemed obsessed. He never hit me, only the walls. Still, I don’t understand how I could have been so blind but damn, am I glad I finally said enough was enough and moved on from it all. He showed me so much attention and affection though I was having a hard time letting go. I knew deep down he was serious about loving me but when you are dealing with a drug addict you will never be put first in their life. The drug comes first to them and has priority over you. It definitely wasn’t an easy feat for me but I am so proud of myself for discovering my self-worth and learning to love myself before I was able to try and love again. I learned to let go of people I cared for that I knew were toxic for me even though the pain was near unbearable. I knew deep down, I was better for it.
So overall, I just really wanted to give you a glimpse of my depression and how certain things in my life made it worse. There is more to it and other reasons throughout my life growing up that played into it too and all of those things seem to like to stack on top of each other until it just one day decides to collapse on you. Trust me when I say I may not have had it worse than a lot of other people but depression is an evil bitch who will transform your thoughts in the most negative of ways. I feel like now, where I am at in life, I feel I am happy. Content. But all it takes is one trigger. Something as little as my boyfriend calling me annoying but not in a complete serious manner could make me cry. Whatever the trigger, it comes without warning. My emotions flood my thoughts and I won’t be able to think straight. I will begin to feel stupid and embarrassed even if I am crying with no one else around and my mind will start feeding me negative thoughts almost right after my tears begin.
“Why are you crying? You’re so pathetic. Who wants to be with someone who just cries for no reason?”
“Well this is nothing new. Eventually the people close to you will get tired of being around such a sad person. What a burden!”
My mind turns dark and the thing I hate most about it is I am generally a happy. social person who loves to make people smile and laugh and feel good about themselves. My family has called me bipolar but in reality I try so, so hard to hide my depression when it wants to show it’s ugly head that I end up keeping it all bottled up. Then, when I finally find a moment to myself it comes pouring out without hesitation. I get frustrated by this very easily. I then become angry at myself. I become negative minded and struggle for hours after a short episode to get my head on right again. The part I hate the most is trying to find someone who I could talk to who would understand that I am not crazy, I am not normally a sad person, I am just one of the unlucky souls who was diagnosed with the bitch of a monster, depression.
The reason I am finally starting this journal is to vent. I am never 100% truthful when I tell others “I’m fine,” or “I’m okay.” The fear of chasing people away with my mental issues is one that results in me bottling up my emotions. My fear to trust anyone to get close to me again has made it difficult for me to find long lasting friendships. I don’t want to share anymore. I just want to hide it, my depression embarrasses me. But if I continue to do that it will get worse all over again. So here I am now, starting this blog so I have a way to vent, to let my thoughts out into the world and wondering if any soul out there could grasp the extent of how all of this feels. I know I can’t be the only one. If there is anything I crave more it has to be that hum,an connection with someone who completely just gets me, doesn’t judge me and wants to know what’s on my mind and how I feel at times. I want to feel like someone cares. I know my boyfriend and family and friends all care and love me but none of them truly get me.
Not all of my posts will be this long or be about depression. This is just the first one, I wanted you to get to know me a bit on a deeper level and why I decided to start this journey into blogging. I need an escape. Somewhere to go to when I am too afraid to talk to anyone about these things. Somewhere where I can be me and not be interrupted or looked at like I’ve gone crazy or something. Deep down, all I ever really, truly want is just to be held often and reminded of all things positive. I’m too scared to ask for something so simple of fear of being too “needy.” I just miss is. Feeling secure in my lovers arms. Knowing they understand and push me in all the right ways to become better and stronger every day. I know it’s stereotypical saying woman like attention but honestly, we do. I can’t fully explain why except that it makes me feel like I am not alone. There’s someone who actually wants my time and my attention. It pulls me out of my dark corner and makes me happy. Oh, how I crave passion.
Until next time…