So one thing that has been pulling at me lately this past week is how much I don’t get to see my boyfriend. I know we try our best but with him working nights and me during the day I am beginning to feel lonely. I don’t want you guys to think I can’t handle this situation, cause I can. I just can’t help but remember how it effected one of my past relationships. It tore us apart. Drove a wedge right in the middle and we grew apart. Fights occurred more often and I grew to be more unhappy as the days past. I don’t plan on letting it get to me as easy as it did before, I just can’t handle this feeling of loneliness. I know it isn’t his fault I feel this way, if anything I frustrate myself for not being stronger about it. I just have this past that has grown to make me feel down when I spend to much time alone. When I imagine myself in a relationship, happy and moving forward I just don’t ever imagine spending so much of that time by myself. I don’t like to think that I am needy but maybe I am and that bothers even me. How do I cope with this without making it an issue. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t think he feels it because he is used to being alone and he is one of the few I know who don’t seem to mind it at all. I’m happy this schedule doesn’t effect him but my main fear is having my depression return. He suggests I find things to occupy my time, to make more friends and go out more or work on my hobbies and such. I don’t mind that either, I mean I can do that.. I just.. when I find someone to love and give all of myself to I want nothing more than to spend the majority of my time with them. Lately though, I have been feeling like I have been spending the majority of my time alone. I don’t like to fly solo, I love having a partner there to do everything with.
I have friends, but when you’re a woman and in a good relationship and the only friends that hit you up to chill are the opposite sex you just know better not to. Not because I would do anything to sacrifice my relationship, but because I don’t want my to look back and see I spent more time with this guy than my own boyfriend. I have friends that are women as well, but they all live so far away and have kids and busy schedules. My one friend who does live close enough seems to enjoy visiting and that’s the only friend I feel I truly have. But even she has closer friends, kids, school and a relationship struggles. I’m lucky for the times she’s free to come over and hang out. I feel bad for denying my guy friends because then what kind of friend does that make me? Not a very good one. But I know what kind of person I am. Easily attachable to people I open up to and spend a lot of time with. I just don’t want to risk getting too close to where I look forward to hanging out with my friends more than my own boyfriend.
I tend to trust very few people in my life. My circle is small because I choose for it to be that way. I have been hurt and lied to by way to many people and so called friends to want a big circle. I try my absolute best every day not to get emotional when I get home from work while he is getting ready to leave. I hate how confusing I am even to myself. I want to be social but I am instinctively mortified to get hurt by people who pretend to care. It is SO difficult to find real people these days. Those are the only people I deem worth my time. I don’t make friends with people who don’t show compassion towards others around them. People who purposely try to get in the way of other’s happiness. That is why I despise certain people he associates with. He can manage to have friends and not get personal with them. Good for him. He has a decent sized social bubble of acquaintances and handles his time alone really well while I am the exact opposite.
This is such a rant, I apologize. I just want this place to be my place I can say how I feel and get it off my chest. Positive advice or tips and tricks to help me through this mental state is very much appreciated, just please no negativity. Don’t kick me when I’m already down. I know the Internet is full of heartless, rude trolls but please, to you trolls out there, leave my page alone. If you have nothing nice to say just don’t say it.
So I know I am strong and can handle this, I just have been through so much time alone and feeling alone even when I’m not so it hits me pretty hard at times. This was one of those times. But hey, it’s life. Life isn’t easy and I know I am stronger for going through it. Everything I have been through has made me stronger, so will this. I am more of a woman now than ever before and I refuse to let this get in the way. I just hate it