So, it’s been a while since I made an entry. I have had moments in thought where I wanted to jot down my thoughts or feelings but I never have the motivation to sit down and do it. Instead I just sit there and think, dwelling in my thoughts. I’ve noticed something has been slowly eating at me more and more every day. I couldn’t tell you what it is if I wanted to although I’m sure I can rant on about how I have been feeling and it could help you to better understand. Something I am not ready to say out loud yet but is making itself more obvious lately is that I feel deep down that my depression may be returning. I am hoping this is a short episode, one that I can push myself through before I get worse and it decides to linger for months again. I’ve done a lot of research on depression in the 10+ years of dealing with it. You can have an episode of depression and get passed it and feel okay again. But the more episodes you have the longer they can stay and the more often they will come. As bad as I want to deny I have it again I can’t do that. Part of getting passed it is realizing you’re in it and changing your perspective again. All the negative things your mind is constantly telling you becomes exhausting to have to constantly convince yourself otherwise. I am becoming less self confident again with my appearance, feeling less sexually appealing to my partner and feeling like I’m turning invisible. None of which is his fault. I know better to think that I am ugly, unappealing or unwanted. I have so much self love for myself I know better. My self worth was through the roof not long ago and now… I am beginning to feel like a piece of furniture in someone’s life. This isn’t me and I am tired of having to fight away these damn thoughts. It’s like a poison in my mind. It’s seeping through every crevice and I am an unwilling victim to it. I know this is a fight I can win. I’ve done it before when I have had it much worse in the past. But the scary part of it is when you have a moment by yourself when you know no one is looking and the thoughts beat you down so bad that you start to think even worse things. Things like feeling like you’re a waste of space, feeling unimportant, unseen or unheard. You feel empty inside, numb to what’s happening around you and you don’t even feel like yourself anymore. You want to sleep all the time so you don’t have to deal with everyday life. I know I am not alone or the only person going through this, but with depression it seems to scare others away. So even when they say you are not alone you sort of are because when it returns again, you are so scared to let it be known because you don’t want to be looked at as some sad, depressed individual with a toxic look on life. Depression isn’t us. Depression is a sickness.
Inside my head there is me and then there is the monster. The monster likes to bully me, forcing negative thoughts into my mind, telling me I am worthless and I’m nobody special. Then there is me. I used to cower in the corner and feel sorry for myself but after having gone through multiple episodes throughout my life so far I grew stronger. I learned how to fight before it took my life, as it almost did once long ago. If I don’t fight I begin to have more than just negative thinking. There was a time I was inflicting self harm and had suicidal thoughts. I never want to be that bad again. So I fight. Every time I have bad thoughts about myself or about my life or what I feel people think of me or even if I just feel invisible to the world, I just say no.. that’s not true. When I am alone I take the time to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself I am worth it. I am loved. I have a good life and I am one of the good people that this world needs.
I am needed here.
The crying comes in to place because it is a true struggle. When you are constantly, 24/7, battling your own mind, it is completely exhausting and sometimes a bit overwhelming. You refuse to believe the negative thoughts could be true. The part I hate most is if you are having a bad day, a bad moment or something bad happens and you aren’t as strong and are feeling weak minded even for a moment, all it takes is one wrong thing to be said, one rude person or seeing something that makes you feel sad.. and boom. Que the tears. When you are already struggling so hard in your mind, it makes the real world struggles feel unbearable. You feel helpless, there’s a weight on your chest and you’re too stubborn to talk to anyone about it. They don’t know what you’re dealing with so when you break down in front of them you get called things like overly sensitive or weak. Those situations really do not help. So we prefer to stay home, not go out if we can help it and just sleep so we don’t spend too much time thinking. Because at this point, thinking is just too exhausting.
I personally have had a fear of being alone. When I am in an episode of depression and I get left alone even for a few minutes I immediately try to find something to occupy my time and my mind. But after a while, like every time I am left alone, I eventually succumb to my thoughts. I sit and stare at an empty space and my mind is racing with frantic thinking. Negative thinking. Then the crying of my frustrations at myself is inevitable. But after a lot of hard crying and letting the pain out I feel better. Crying isn’t fun and it can be frustrating but eventually after you cry it out, you feel a bit more relaxed and open minded. At least that’s how it is for me.
(Side note from what literally just happened to me a few minutes ago: don’t cry and rub your eyes while wearing contacts. They can get lost behind your eye and be a bitch to get out.)