Okay so I am writing this one right after waking up. It’s 7:01 in the morning. (And this is supposed to be my day off where I can sleep in.) This one wasn’t even related to the last. Nothing to do with my boyfriend cheating or him at all. He wasn’t even there. I had a house full of people I cared about and even a little bit of fiction (I’m a writer at heart and love a good fiction story,) of a guy who turned into a werewolf as one of the people in my dream.
Anyway, that made it seem less serious but the pain that I felt came from me trying to reach out desperately to my peers and family members about my depression, how I felt, and how I needed their help. They all carried on laughing and doing their own things and socializing like I wasn’t even there. My ex best friend (who slept with my ex boyfriend) was the one who was getting all the attention from every single person. I kind of just realized the connection between my two dreams. I was more hurt by my friend than I have been by anyone maybe.
Anyway, my entire dream I felt invisible. They would look at me when I spoke but then look away and are on. I would be crying, begging for someone to just here me. Telling them how much worse this was making things for me and … nothing. But here comes my friend in the picture. Sad as can be and everyone jumping to her rescue. Why?
The fictional story plaid out and we were the characters while I experienced the people close to me in life treateing me like pure shit and her like she would fall to pieces if they didn’t cater to her every need. They ignored me, got annoyed with me, took things I was using as if I was scum and they could treat me like an animal and pretty much made it obvious I meant nothing.
In the end, I ended up being the one who got bit by the wolf. I waited what felt like a whole day to see if anyone would notice the huge gashes and the blood dripping from the back of my left forearm.. nothing. So when they all gathered around at night, werewolf boy right beside me… who also ignored my presence, I told them. Showing it off because at this point I didn’t care if I died or became a friggin werewolf so I could just run away and never look back to a new life. Fuck them.
Fuck that dream.
I cried in my sleep, not waking up again not knowing in my dream that it was a dream. My boyfriend woke up to me crying and had to wake me up and he cuddled me and helped me take deep breaths to calm the crying. This dream was playing off another huge fear… lonliness.. being forgotten or greatly unwanted. Being invisible and uncared for.
..Or just the feeling of no one wanting to try and understand how I feel so they can help me overcome my issues. Just look the other way like if that would help me at all.
So in my dream I felt like I wanted to get bit. I wanted someone to care, I wanted something else to happen to me than just crying all day being ignored and unwanted. This dream felt so real even with the fiction. Usually with fiction I know it’s a dream all too easily but the way it was playing on my real life feelings and fears.. it had me trapped and sinking deeper into my whole of depression and that was mortifying. So I got bit like I wanted. Still, no one seemed to care but the wolf. I watched as everyone left the table acting like nothing new happened again except for the boy. I don’t even know who he was. A charming, young man who suddenly felt the need to stay by my side as I noticed he didn’t leave the picnic table like every one else.
And then I woke up…
I might go out and buy a dream catcher today. I don’t see myself going back to sleep right now.