I literally just woke up to a nightmare guys. It is 4:58 in the morning and im sitting on my couch crying as soft as I can so I don’t wake up my boyfriend. I really don’t want him to see how broken I am.. I just want to keep it that way. I know he will read this but at least he wouldn’t have seen me in my distress.
I have a rough past with guys cheating on me with my friends and I honestly rarely ever make any female friends. Last night I had one of my better friends over and she brought her kids and we all had a fun time and it was okay. I trust this woman with my deepest secrets you guys. It’s been a while since I’ve had a friend that’s a female that I’ve trusted with this much of myself. I have been so desperate for one and she has been perfect when it comes to having someone to confide in so far. And I hope the feeling is mutual for her.
Anyway, I love my boyfriend .. and I trust him too. But some part of me just feels so terrified to my core when it comes to my better half and my best friend becoming friends. It shouldn’t be a bad thing and I don’t want to feel this way like if they are untrustworthy people because so far they have both been good to me and I’ve known this girl a long time but just started getting close to her. But dear God, ..all she did was send him a friend request on Facebook right before bed and my brain decided to conjure up a very vivid and what seemed to me to be a very long lasting dream and I woke up crying. They didn’t even screw around in my dream and I woke up feeling the way I feel. My depression hit me like a brick when I woke up. I am usually aware it’s a dream when I’m in one.. but this one I didn’t. I felt like it was reality and I didn’t know it was a nightmare like I usually did to pull myself out of it. I’m not comfortable talking about what happened in the dream.. not with anyone but my own mother. But this depression isn’t helping my situation. For the first time in forever I thought about how bad I could get if I were to be hurt again like I was in my past. Trusting both people so deeply and then getting stabbed in the back by them. I really dont want to think it could be possible. They’ve been so good to me. But the depression and my past combined have my mind in such a fog I can’t help but think about it.
Now here’s the scary part of depression. I used to cut, I used to be self harming. When I woke up, for the first time in a long time… the thought of cutting rose up in my head. No I didn’t do it and yes I am smarter than that now. But guys just having the thought made me feel shameful. The pain was so much and all I could imagine was a little blood for distraction.
And then I kept thinking.. just thinking and thinking to myself which is so dangerous to let my my wander while I’m alone and also in emotional pain. This pain from my nightmares like these could last anywhere between an hour to three hours usually. Being a highly sensitive person with a very vivid imagination for dreams makes me wake up feeling like it was real for long periods of time. And then I thought, “what would I do if this were to actually happen again?” Guys… I can only imagine myself falling deeper, leaving him, forgetting her and being damaged worse than ever before and all over again, I would most likely pick up the razor and cut harsher than those little nicks I use to give myself on my wrists..
I don’t want to be that person. I don’t know what I would do if the worst were to happen and I’m begging God inside every day to let there not be a trigger like this again in my life. I would lose it. I would need serious help.
I want you all to know I will be okay in an hour or so. Right now I am okay sitting on my couch just softly crying and writing it out on here. Yes, it hurts like fuck to see my dream replay in my head but it will fade away. This isn’t the first time and I’m positive it won’t be my last. Just know I am not inflicting self harm and I will be okay. I just needed my outlet. Which is what this is. Being this way, I don’t want to scare my boyfriend away by waking him up to talk about something that must seem so stupid to him.
I just feel stupid.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I don’t want that to be what he sees from me. A mess of a depressed girl. I want to be better than that for him and it hurts knowing he could have probably done better and found someone without so many emotional and trust issues and such an emotional abused past. I love him and I don’t want to ever become so bad I become a burden, or annoying or whatever.
I am tired of feeling like this guys… I wish depression didn’t ever exist. I’m strong though. I am strong, and I am worth fighting for myself even when there is no one fighting with me. I’m fighting depression and am determined to win. Again.
I’m going to try to go back to sleep. I prayed a little and I’m hoping I don’t dream anything bad again. It’s been an hour. Let’s hope for the best.
(Understand the name choice now?)