Jealousy feels ugly and my mind won’t shut up!

Okay, so I scroll Facebook, Instagram and all that and every now and then I will stumble across something that jumps at my attention and I instantly become not only a tad annoyed but self conscious and irritated. I don’t know why I get this way but a lot of it I feel has to come from past relationships that have caused severe trust issues. It’s to the point where the guy doesn’t have to even do anything but “like” or “heart” another woman’s photo. Call me crazy I guess but I personally can’t stand that I am the type of girl who gets overwhelmed so easily by something so small and unimportant. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to be so self confident I wouldn’t care if my dude talked to another chick without me around. I would think I am above that and if the dude wanted to do something stupid to lose me then I was better off. Now I just feel so insecure and self conscious. My self confidence was through the roof and now I just feel worthless. I don’t even understand how I got this way. I was so used to having someone remind me constantly how beautiful I am and perfect in my own way. I was told I was sexy the way I was and that my  personality made me shine. I don’t remember the last time I was reminded of things like that on a daily basis. I never realized how much that kind of thing helped me. I don’t want to tell my boyfriend to tell me those things because then that just means he’s saying it because I told him to or he feels he HAS to. That would just make me feel worse. I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t need a man to help make me feel better about myself. But when I see him like another woman’s photo and I think she is prettier or has a better body than me I can’t help but have a million questions going in my head at the same time.

Is that what he perceives as sexy? Do I need to look like that to get him to tell me I’m pretty or sexy more often? Maybe I should try make up to look “cute” too? What do I need to do to get him to not look at these girls and focus just on me? Is that being stupid? Am I selfish? Does this make me shallow? Why do I let this get to me so easily? Do I deserve better? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get him to say anything like that?

Even though I know a lot of these things aren’t true or necessary for me to be thinking about I can’t help it. My mind feels poisoned. I get frustrated because I know for a fact I am better than this. Being cheated on by men who thought they were sneaky did a good number on me. Now I have trust issues and I don’t feel good enough. It could even be another heavy set woman but with bigger tits and I will instantly still feel less of myself. Whyyyyy? I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I used to feel amazing about myself literally just a short time ago. At the beginning of the year I quit talking to this guy because he wasn’t good news but damn.. he sure did say all the right things and treated me like a queen when he wasn’t on one. I don’t know what I expect. I just know I need to start focusing on myself again and just take care of me. I got so much attention before and now when there is only one persons attention I seek and I don’t get it I just feel pathetic. I know he loves me for me but I don’t feel sexually appealing and that really just makes me feel less of a woman.

Great, I was trying to write this without crying. I need tips, some advice. SOMETHING to help me get through this mental state of mind because I am miserable inside. I don’t want to seek attention anywhere else because then I would be a shitty girlfriend and it’s just not right. What do I do? How do I make this feeling go away?

From now on I am just going to focus on making myself feel better. I love so hard I give too much of myself away too fast and expect a man to know my needs. Yeah right, I need to step back and just make myself feel good for now. I am number one, not him. That’s life and I have always put my men before me and I need to put myself first. Before I become so pathetic and lose sight of the beauty inside. It’s time to beat this depression’s ass. I refuse to live thinking this way about myself. Let’s see if I can do this. Wish me luck.

-Dreamer♥

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