Hey guys, I know I am really bad at keeping up with my blog but let me tell you, you are definitely reading a procrastinators blog. I write in a journal at least every other day with the thought of “I will have to write this in my blog later” and it never gets done. Anyway, today’s thoughts that roam through my head are about emotional intimacy and how vital it can be for some people. Me, being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person – a character trait only 17 percent of the worlds population has), emotional intimacy or any type of intimacy is vital.
Before I get to my rant on intimacy and my rant on my first love, just know I base a lot of my opinions and thoughts on the experiences from my very first relationship. Don’t roll your eyes just yet though. This is because it was a 5 to 6 year long relationship. I feel that I have learned so much about love and all of the good and the bad that come with it. I went through so much you will read how, at 24, I feel I have had plenty of relationship and emotional experiences that I am able to actually know what love is and know what I want and deserve from it. It’s also taught me how to keep my partner happy and to always be open and honest with them about how I am feeling. After being through what I have been through, I feel like I have came out learning so much from it. This post and from here on out in future posts, you will literally be learning about everything I have gone through and I am hoping it will either be helpful, a good read or at least hoping you guys can relate to some of it. It may seem to jump from one moment to another pretty fast but I have yet to find the patience to write it in story format although I’m sure one day I will. If you are interested in a particular part of my story and would like me to write out an actual descriptive short story to get more of the emotion from it let me know and I can do that easily for you. Also, don’t be shy! Comment on my posts, I love hearing how you can relate and I appreciate advice and good conversation about these things. I’m an open ear and I will help you talk things out if you need to. Maybe I can do some Q & A’s as some posts in the future?? Anyhow.. losing track here..
My first relationship was with this boy in high school. It was my senior year ( class of 2012) and he just graduated high school the year before. He had asked me out my junior year but I knew then, at the time, it was out of desperation because he had spent that entire year pining over my cheerleader, more social butterfly of a friend that had turned him down repeatedly. He would leave class sometimes after talking to her in tears and embarrassed for trying. On the outside looking in, he seemed socially awkward and dark. Some days I wouldn’t see him at all (small school of not even 300 students in the high school alone) which was weird. He was certainly a mystery to me but I never thought much of him after his self-pity attempt at asking me out.
A year passes and one night after working on the homecoming floats with my senior class I was sitting in from of the high school office waiting for a ride. He showed up to pick up his brother and must have seen me sitting there alone because I looked up from my phone and he was standing there with this lame attempt of a smile. He was slightly taller than me (I’m 5’4″), tan skin, thick, straight black hair cut short enough to stand straight but long enough to run his hands through it when he would get nervous. Watching him run his hands through it made me want to run mine through it too. He had a smile that made me feel like there was more behind it than what he lead on. He looked like the dark and mysterious type and that made me want to know more about him. Already I was intrigued in this boy.
At this point of my high school career I was no longer shy or self conscious. I knew I was so close to the real world and leaving all of the high school dramatics behind me. I could finally look forward to being my own person without constant judgment from peers who had their priorities out of place. Being the prettiest or most popular or having sex and getting dudes attention weren’t my interests like other teens my age. I saw everyone in high school as stupid for allowing those things to be priorities in their lives. So like this boy standing before me, I was an outcast who preferred to keep to myself. I welcomed him to sit with me now out of curiosity of how this conversation would go after a years time. It was a lot of small talk and from living in such a small town there wasn’t a whole lot of new things to talk about. Everyone’s go to hobbies at our age were sex, drugs and drama. So me catching him up on my life was short. I wasn’t into any of those things. I was a simpler person on the outside and but more complex on the inside.I told him I just stayed in most nights, I would binge watch Netflix and played Guitar Hero every night, all night sometimes. Boring right? I told him how I have so much more on my mind every day than I felt others did on average. I could tell he was intrigued. He continued to ask more about me.
At that point he learned that I had a real love for people and the view on life. I was quiet in school because I was very observant. I watched how people worked, acted and reacted. I payed attention to the small habits people around me had, what made them tick and often wondered why they did the things they would do. All I got out of it was that high school students are dumb. They passed up being educated to skip class to go get high or they would spend their time in class bragging about having sex with anyone who would give it up. Girls were too preoccupied with their looks and putting each other down just to make themselves feel better and I watched as it just grew worse when I discovered all they cared about was attention from boys and giving it up to feel wanted or gain more attention. Their worries were so insignificant to the ones I actually would think about every day. In my mind I always looked at the bigger picture. High school is temporary, people are temporary, memories are precious and you have to make the most with what you have including your time. Watching everyone waste their time and energy on things that wouldn’t matter 5 years from then was depressing. If your mom is sick and your not yourself I could tell. But to be a bitch because a guy in school wasn’t into you was pure stupidity. I was alone in my thoughts because I chose not to follow the crowd. My mind held so much more wonder and passion than anyone I met around me in that town and though I grew depressed feeling like an outcast I also grew strong inward even though at the time I couldn’t realize it.
After opening up, he began to compliment me and said it sounded like I had my head on straighter than most people in that school. It piqued his interest in me. He saw me as this innocent, church going girl who had a good perspective and a good heart. I smiled a lot in our first conversation where I knew we both felt those crazy butterflies the more time we spent talking. I began to speak a lot with my head down. I was growing shy with the realization that we were actually creating something of a feeling there between us. He scooted closer, put a finger under my chin and lifted my head up. “Keep your head up, don’t hide your face.” Those words ring in my head to this day.
After that night we spoke more often but at the time my father didn’t like the idea of me getting involved with a boy. My mom, always wanting the best for me, was more concerned about how this boy would effect my dreams and future. She only ever wants me to be happy and to be with someone who deserves a heart like mine.
Eventually, we became a thing. I was the manager of the cheer leading team my senior year, which wasn’t much. I helped carry their stuff, put the bows in their hair and tagged along for support at all the games. Pretty much what a water boy is to a football team. But I enjoyed it because he was always there at those football games too. Cheering on his younger brother and smiling at me from a distance at every game. Meeting with him during half time and having long talks full of laughter and him continuously having to lift my chin up: “Pick you’re head up, don’t hide your face.” His finger under my chin as his thumb caressed my cheek. I could feel the warmth in my entire body knowing my cheeks were turning red from blushing.
That devilish smile.
Over and over.
It never grew old. You will never feel the type of butterflies you feel with your first love ever again. With it being a brand new feeling and ever so exciting. I have yet to find anyone who has made me feel that way again. I remember being shy to hold his hand in front of others, my stomach always turning but it was an amazing feeling. Everything that was my first was with him. Although, I wasn’t a virgin because I had a moment of stupidity in my sophomore year but even our first time together with that was amazing because it was with someone I actually knew I felt something strongly for and assumed he had felt the same way. But then soon after all the fairytale moments were out of the way, not even two months later, he was breaking up with me.
He was attending school at RSI in Phoenix which from our tiny hometown of Gila Bend was actually quite far. He took two or three buses every day there and back, waking up super early to getting home late at night. He would make the walk across town just to come see me every day after a long day at my moms when he was all in. But he despised how my parents were so overprotective. He began to withdraw from me and slowly stopped coming to see me. My heart was breaking before it was even officially broken. One day I messaged him after not seeing him for a few days. He ignored a few then eventually replied for me to leave him alone and that he wasn’t coming over. Me being naive about love and relationships I had begged him to at least come over to end things face to face. So he did.
He shows up in his parents vehicle. When I walk outside I see him leaning against it with his arms crossed waiting patiently. I’m walking up to him already in tears. The way he spoke to me I could tell he was uninterested and I felt as though I was wasting his time. He wasn’t afraid to tell me how he felt. If there is one thing I could rely on this boy to be it was honest. Another girl caught his attention. My parents were “ruining” things. He was bored. He wasn’t the guy I thought he was. I made sure to tell him how horrible he made me feel. I told him I hated him for making me feel the way I did for him just to end up being played. My fairytale.. was just a lesson.
I never knew emotional pain the way I did after that. The heart hurting so much that it literally felt crippling. I was devastated and upset with myself for not guarding my heart more carefully. Knowing what the guys in high school were like I should have expected the same from him. But like mom always said to me, “love is blind.”