Today an old friend messaged me and asked how I was. Boy did that open up a can of emotions. So recently I just went through a break-up. My ex lacked emotions and the ability to be romantic and lacked passion and the ability to hold any type of deep or meaningful conversations. He is my polar opposite. I remember sitting on his couch during month two of our relationship crying and explaining how I didn’t see it working out long-term. That’s where I fucked up. Instead of sticking with my gut, I told him I didn’t want to give up so easily. I grew attached to him and his presence in my life. We never fought, we laughed a lot and we had a few good adventures. But looking back at it all there was always this slight tension between us like we never really truly “clicked”. That spark was never really there. We both enjoyed having someone there but I don’t feel like it was ever really love. So this past week he was the one who had the courage to end everything. He suggested it was better for us both if we we’re to be friends rather than lovers. At first all I heard was my heart breaking. Shattering. I knew we weren’t going to be forever yet when it actually happened I couldn’t believe it. I called off work the first day, cried for that day and the next. I pulled myself together soon after that because I realized what he did was the right thing.
But just in those two days I sunk so far into my thoughts my depression was able to work its magic and feed me all the thoughts I always hated thinking.
“You weren’t enough for him.” That was a lie because he said it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough for him, it’s that he wasn’t enough for me.
“You’re not pretty enough./Sexy enough./He’s not attracted to you, maybe he never was.”
“He found someone else.”
“He won’t miss you.”
All of these thoughts my depression tries to convince me of and yet I sit there fighting them off because I refuse to believe anything my mind tells me when I am so far down. All the pain from trying to not believe those thoughts combined with the actual ache of the break up pushed me over to where the next thoughts I began to think were the ones I try so hard to avoid thinking. This pain is unbearable guys. I’ve felt it so many times these past few years I am tired of feeling this way. Trying so hard just to be given up on every time no matter how much love and effort I pour into these people. Supporting men with two jobs while they sit on their asses talking the future up but never putting their words into actions. Making me believe they were my partner to conquer the world with and really just taking advantage of a good woman who wanted nothing more than to just see them happy but I was never happy. I care too much for my own damn good. In this last relationship he really did care and support me, he loved me we just weren’t IN love.
My next thoughts were just how badly I wanted the pain and aching to disappear. I knew, being through it all before, that the only thing that could take this type of pain away was time. Fuck. I didn’t want to go through it again. I just wanted it done. I wanted it to end. I know you know what was going through my head. I’m too embarrassed and ashamed for even thinking it I don’t even have the guts to type out what I was thinking.
I just only could imagine being out of pain and never having to be in pain again. A thought like that, in a time where you are feeling so far gone and lost from reality around you feels so compelling.
But… (This is where no one really see’s or knows how hard I fight to live my life)..
In this moment, every time I get this bad, I tear myself away from the demon and push myself to snap out of it. I become so scared of those thoughts that I push myself to stop. I wash my face, I step outside for air, I take deep breaths and even though that pain is STILL feeling just as bad I force myself to hold it in. I hold in my tears, I practice my deep breathing to prevent hyperventilating, I remind myself that God would never put me through anything I can not handle. (I haven’t been so close to God as I used to but the comfort of believing He is there is what has saved my life more times than anyone would care to know. I live in faith and love because I want t be like Christ. I am who I am because of my faith and the love people see in me that my energy spreads everywhere I go is His love shining through me. At least that’s my perspective.)
Once I have finally have calmed myself down, I begin to think of my life as a whole. I step back and look at the big picture. I’ll think to myself:
“Five years from now this won’t be such a big aching pain, I’d have moved on.”
“There are so many people in the world and so much world to see still, this is another fresh start to a new chapter, a new adventure.”
“I’m in the city now, I’m not stuck in a small town anymore, the possibilities are endless.”
“I can take this opportunity to touch more lives.”
That right there…
The reason I enjoy living so damn much.
When I go out into the world I smile. I use my manners and I always treat people with respect and courtesy. I’m the person who goes out of my way to help a stranger if I can. I’ll give a bum a few dollars out of good faith even if I feel he may end up using it for the wrong reasons. If I see a Veteran I say thank you. If I think someone is pretty I’ll tell her. I compliment people all the time. Eyes, smile, shirt, shoes; I want people to feel good about themselves. I treat everyone around me the way I want to be treated. I smile at everyone I make eye contact with because the world needs it.
This entire world is so ugly it needs more beautiful people in it. Now I m not talking about physically attractive, beautiful people. I am talking about more people like me. A beautiful personality. This is where I gain my strength to push forward when my depression hits me hard and how I think of my life and live it on a daily basis.
I live my life knowing the pain of feeling alone. Feeling let down and taken advantage of. Feeling lost and broken and like no one around me truly cares and wants to know how I am truly doing. The people today in this world are so caught up on materialistic objects, drugs, sex, money and popularity. Making dramatic situations that don’t need to be dramatic big issues instead of forgiving, learning and moving forward. Selfish, ignorant and always pointing fingers at others for their mistakes. For me, I don’t get it. If you fuck up, own it. If you fail, get back up. If you’re rude and don’t care, you need to correct your mood before socializing.
I go out into the world every day and I know I have no idea what goes on in everyone’s lives around me. I don’t know their situations, I don’t know what they are going through. So when I am around people I smile. I am helpful and cheerful and kind. I live every moment outside trying to be the best person I can possibly be because I don’t know everyone’s story. I choose to be the person they can look back on and think “she was so kind to me.” I strive to be the open ear, the shoulder to cry on and that helping hand. A smile, a compliment, a friend and the most important part of it all, my sincerity.
People can’t see my depression by looking at me so I know I can’t see it on anyone else by just looking at them. Never judge a book by its cover. I live by that. I treat everyone around me the way I wish to be treated and I want them to know someone out there cares. Someone out there has their back. Someone out there has their best interest at heart. They just don’t realize that, that someone, is me. A complete stranger.
I choose to stay positive and take everything I ever experience as life lessons. Knowledge and growth and truly wanting the best for others. None of my relationships have ever ended with hatred. I choose to forgive, be civil and look forward to the future while wishing my ex the best at finding happiness. In my relationships, I love with unconditional love. I want them to be happy in the end, even if it isn’t with me. It hurts, but I have grown so strong, truly all I ever want is for people to live their best life the way I wish to live mine.
I’m a good soul in a hostile world just trying to share my positivity and love. I have effected so many lives and have been told repeatedly, almost daily, that I am definitely someone different compared to the rest.
So, to close this entry I guess overall I can say my depression is my biggest demon. But without it I wouldn’t be who I am today. Instead of succeeding in pushing me to my end, all it does is push me to want to be better than it and to be the light in the world and spread love to be able to touch lives like mine that need it. I may sit and struggle waiting to find someone to touch my life the way I crave but my life is a journey and one day I will get my happy ending. I just need to go through the struggles and have patience. Until then, I hold onto my passion for people and enjoy being there for others who need a friend like me.
I live and strive to make a difference, even if it’s one person at a time. ♥