A Long Look In The Mirror: Changing For The Better

People change and sometimes we look back and can’t even remember what it was that changed us or, when that change even happened. As we age we experience many things and interact with many people in our lives. Everything we encounter and experience helps shape us -not necessarily physically- but mentally and often times, unknowingly. Change can come at any time, any place, slowly or even in an instant. Change can be good or bad and maybe even both. Either way change is its own type of experience in itself. Right now I am realizing that I’m experiencing a change in who I am, how I think and how I just want to change my entire approach to life.

The person I’m leaving behind is the depressed me. She wasn’t aware of her full potential and how valuable she was to many people. She wasted her time chasing and loving the people who never really appreciated her existence. Yet, many of them questioned what made her not want to exist. She was very insecure, depressed and had no ambition for anything but to feel accepted by the people around her. I didn’t like that version of myself guys. I saw a post on Facebook the other day and it said: “The truth is, if you don’t love yourself, you’ll be stuck chasing people who don’t love you either.” My first thought was how true is this!? Viewing things at different perspectives, wording things certain ways and actually processing how small changes can improve your sense of life really make you think. And for me, it did. I have been doing a shit ton of thinking lately.

SO.. here is to the new me. I am now desperate to strive day by day to become better for myself and only myself. This type of change may not be instant, as we all know we can’t reach many goals overnight, but this change will be the best thing I have ever done for myself in my entire life.

I have come to realize how rare it is to find a genuine person. I know no one is perfect, myself included, but I see way more selfishness than I do selflessness in people. I like to think of myself as selfless. I’m a sensitive individual who knows how it is to feel alone and out of place with the world. I have always felt this world is so cruel and so instead of becoming angry or growing bitter I chose to be thee person who effects people’s lives in a positive way. I try to be selfless. I try to be genuine. I care deeply for people and I only want the best for everyone. I want to show people that genuine friends still exist by being one. I don’t want anyone to have to feel alone. I don’t want anyone to feel unappreciated or unwanted. I want to be the glue to this broken world but can one single person make that much of a difference by just being kind and legitimate?

I began my current job with an interview in which I was asked what separates me from the other candidates and my reply was: “I love to stay positive. I get along with every person I meet and my positive, friendly personality is contagious.” They went on to tell me that was a new response thy had never heard. Usually they hear things like punctuality, good attendance, etc. But this really grabbed their attention. I got hired on and here I am a little over four months later. A new job with many different faces and personalities and I am THRIVING. Started on first shift, blew them away. I was social, always laughing or smiling, friendly and helpful. Anyway, here is where I noticed the power of one. One person, me, changed the entire atmosphere of the work environment. I’ve been told personally how much I’ve changed lives. People telling me they appreciate my presence in itself because I make them feel comfortable and my words help them every day. I noticed manners coming out more the more I used them around everyone. Even over the radio with warehouse I began to hear pleases and thank yous or the one someone claimed they never heard warehouse say “that is very much appreciated”. All of this makes me feel great. This is how I plan to continue living my life as I begin to change things more on a personal level with myself.

I will change how easily I trust people. I will forgive and move on to the next best thing. I will walk through the next door when the last one closes. I will be striving to learn how to live a healthier lifestyle. I will look at the big picture and keep my sights on my goals so I don’t waste my time stressing over minor things. I will become independent and quit relying on others for approval because the only approval I need is from myself and God.

I will make everything around me beautiful and that will be my life.

I can’t list it all. I just know I am tired of constantly being disappointed by people who trick me to believe they are sincere when in reality you find out later that they couldn’t care less. Expecting people to have the mindset I do and trusting them to not hurt me is something I allowed my imagination to hope for. Now I am at that point where I get the true picture. People like me are hard to find and it’s a lonely feeling when you don’t want to waste your time with just anybody. So my biggest change is limiting what I share with others, not be overly trusting with people I just meet and learning to be patient to find the people worth keeping around in my life.

At this point I am even taking a break from finding love. After my 5 year long relationship ended two or three years ago I’ve clung to the feeling of needing someone by my side. Finding that emotional bond and making goals with a partner. Trying so hard to find what took years to build in an instant was impossible and I don’t know what I was thinking. But now I see. Now I know. I only want myself right now. Myself and some actual, real friends I can rely on and socialize with. Along with that I want to spend more time with myself. Get to know myself better. Set goals alone and run at them. I don’t think I have ever felt happier than I do at this point in my life. The changes haven’t even began yet but already just my shift in perspective and the eagerness for it all makes me feel genuinely… happy.

I just know that if you are unhappy with your life, yourself or in any kind of relationship, only YOU have control over what you allow in your life and YOU choose how to let it effect you and your future. As for me, I am making changes and taking back my life from my depression. No more of this toxic mindset. It’s long but just been thrown out the damn window with so much force I refuse to allow it to rule over my life again.

Let’s see what kind of person that damned depression has been hiding under all those tears, shall we?? 😉

-Chaotic Dreamer


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